This Week In Tabloids: Beyoncé To Give Birth Wearing Special Weave Made For The Delivery Room

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we nurse horrid hangovers with soothing sips of gossip, extracted from the pages of In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Ok! and Star. This week: John Mayer is seriously depressed; Kim Kardashian wrecked both Kanye and Kobe's relationships; Angie just found out that Jennifer Aniston had a miscarriage like 6 years ago; and rumor has it that Pregnancé's hair will be looking unbeweavable when she gives birth to the Greatest Infant Of All Time.

This Week In Tabloids: Beyoncé To Give Birth Wearing Special Weave Made For The Delivery RoomOk!
"How They Got Their Bodies Back!"
Just once I wish that "getting a body back" involved a cross-country car chase in pursuit of a stolen corpse. But no, what we have here is a 10-page diet special, featuring former Playmates Kendra Wilkinson and Holly Madison. There are four pages of ads for a diet supplement called NV in which Holly poses alluringly, and then a two-page "story" called "I Dropped A Jean Size" in which Holly claims, "I can still eat my favorite foods in moderation while taking NV." In other words, a thinly-veiled ad. Kendra's 2-page spread is a secret ad for something called Ab Cuts. It's all very shady, in terms of editorial, advertorial and payola or whatever, but I guess no one expects high journalistic standards from Ok! so whatever. Also inside: Angelina Jolie has a "plot" to "steal Jen's baby joy." In Ok!'s universe, Angie is the evil queen, looking into her magic mirror and watching Jennifer Aniston happily gallivanting with Justin Theroux and then unleashing flying monkeys to pick up Brad so they can have sex right away and produce another biological kid, thereby beating Jen to the finish line. But Jen is "doing everything she can to become pregnant," including taking prenatal supplements and $250 "baby shakes" full of vitamins and folic acid. Still, Angelina "can't wait to steal Jen's thunder," according to a completely psychotic editor pretending to be an insider. "She knows a Brangelina baby would be the best revenge of all." Finally, Lindsay Lohan actually had a low key New Year's Eve — she turned down offers to host nightclub parties and had dinner with friends instead. A glimmer of a bright future or the clippity-clop of an Apocalyptic Horseman? You be the judge.
Grade: F (cold, greasy grilled cheese sandwich served in ashtray)

This Week In Tabloids: Beyoncé To Give Birth Wearing Special Weave Made For The Delivery RoomLife & Style
"I'm Such A Fool!"
Although this story is labeled a "world exclusive," and titled "Stabbed In The Heart," it does not include an actual new interview with Kim Kardashian or with Reggie Bush. Instead it's about how Kim was all lonely with no one to kiss on New Year's Eve, and keeps phoning Reggie, because she still loves him, but he doesn't love her back. "She calls him way more than he calls her," an "insider" (possibly from AT&T?) says. "He's trying to be a nice guy, but he doesn't want to be a rebound or the next guy in her media blitz. He has zero interest in that." Wow, suddenly feeling like I might be Team Reggie. Also inside: A dissection of the Perry-Brand marriage, titled "Katy & Russell: What Went Wrong." Katy is heartbroken that Russell filed for divorce, and feels blindsided that he did it during the holidays. But the relationship was a mess — even though they went to marriage counseling, they barely spent three months actually living together as husband and wife. Russell didn't like that Katy was always gone; she was always working… and when she wasn't working, she was drinking and partying, which Russell didn't like, since he's sober now. At an event on December 3, an eyewitness asked Katy what her Christmas plans were, and she said, "It's a secret," and Russell rolled his eyes "like she was the lamest person on the planet." Guess the "secret" was: packing up her stuff. In other news, John "The Player" Mayer is having serious psychological issues. He spent Christmas alone in Japan, away from his family and friends, and he feels like he's "totally lost" and "in a black hole." An insider who's worked with him says, "The word depression doesn't even cover it." And: "He's gained tons of weight." Since JM's basically a former Gawker employee, and our office is right around the corner from Chez Mayer, I'd like to invite Johnny over for some tea and sympathy. It's okay that you were a total dbag for a while. It's okay to be full of regret! It's never too late to turn things around! New year new you! Need a shoulder to cry on? Stop by the office anytime. Poor thing. Let's wrap things up, shall we? Your final tidbit from L&S: Marc Jacobs uses an Hermès Birkin as a beach bag. (See Fig. 1)
Grade: D (marmite on toast)

This Week In Tabloids: Beyoncé To Give Birth Wearing Special Weave Made For The Delivery RoomIn Touch
"New Year New Body!"
Since January is when everyone and their mothers decides they hate their bodies, we have MOAR diet stuff, this time from The Bachelorettes in an "exclusive." There was no way in hell I was going to read this six page cover story, but I did look at the pictures, and saw thin white ladies wearing bikinis while jumping in the air, as well as tiny pictures of grilled chicken sitting on a bed of lettuce and that's surely all you need to know. Moving on. Demi Moore is moving to Manhattan, to get away from Ashton Kutcher. Jennifer Lopez's new boyfriend, Casper Smart, is a go-go dancer at a Los Angeles club called Boulevard3, earning $250 a night. The editors find this scandalous, titling the piece, "J.Lo's Man Dirty Dancing For Ca$h," and writing, "instead of encouraging Casper to drop the go-go dancing gig in favor of a more respectable job, Jen has given it her stamp of approval." She's become a regular and Boulevard3 where her Fly Girl moves surely come in handy. Next: "Kim's A Homewrecker!" details how Kim Kardashian played matchmaker for her BFF Carla DiBello and Kobe Bryant, even though Bryant was married. Apparently Carla was at Kim's wedding, dripping with diamonds and bragging, "My boyfriend Kobe Bryant bought [the gems] for me." Ugh. What else? Jada Pinkett Smith has met with a high-powered divorce lawyer. Katy Perry was upset with Russell Brand because he always had so many other women around. Russell had a "friendship" with Jessie J, was close to model Sophie Dickens, and spent lots of time with comedian Sadie Turner. Matthew McConaughey and Camilla Alves will have three weddings: A ceremony in Malibu and receptions in Brazil and Austin. Beyoncé hasn't had her baby yet but has already reserved a private luxury birthing suite at St. Luke's-Roosevelt, and had a hairpiece designed for the delivery. "She wanted to look spectacular for her biggest performance ever," a source claims. "Slimey Scott Hits On Salesgirl" is about how Scott "American Psycho" Disick was at Barneys and asked a petite brunette for her phone number. For some reason, Bristol Palin and her adorable kid get four pages in this issue (See Fig. 2), and one page is devoted to the dramatic revelation that some celebs look like Gumby. (See Fig. 3)
Grade: D+ (green tea with honey)

This Week In Tabloids: Beyoncé To Give Birth Wearing Special Weave Made For The Delivery RoomUs
"Married To A Crazy Man"
This version of the Demise Of The Perry-Brands claims that Katy and Russell had an "expletive-filled blowup about where to spend the holidays." Then the plan was for Katy and Russell to have the holidays apart, then see if they wanted to go through with a separation. But Russell "blindsided" Katy by filing for divorce. Apparently she was too much of a good girl and they didn't spend enough time knocking boots. "For all her whipped-cream shooting bras and double entendres, Perry is still very much the middle child of evangelical parents," the copy reads. "In her heart, she's a good Christian girl." But while Katy used her "wild child" persona to lure Russell in and get him infatuated, he's a recovering sex addict, and "it was never enough." Russell doesn't like being alone, and Katy was never around, deep sigh. And when she was around, she wanted to party, which Russell can't do — and she wouldn't compromise. Also, a source adds, "she's young." He wanted to start a family; she was focused on her skyrocketing career, tour, hit singles. Anyway, this story ends beautifully: "On Christmas Day, [Katy] asked a friend to take her to a secluded beach [in Hawaii]. As she waded into the Pacific Ocean, she let the water wash over her. 'She knew the marriage was over,' says the family source, 'and this was part of a cleanse.'" Sniffle. Wait, what about Russell being "crazy"? That's not part of the story? Just a misleading cover? Imagine that. Moving on: Did you know Pax Jolie-Pitt has his own motorcycle helmet? (See Fig. 4) Justin Timberlake popped the question to Jessica Biel on a mountain in Jackson, Wyoming: "Justin knows how much she loves snowboarding, so it was the perfect place." Last, but not least: Ashton Kutcher has been jetting around Italy with 33-year-old writer/director Lorena Scafaria, who cowrote Nick and Nora's Infinte Playlist and is BFF with Diablo Cody. Apparently they started hooking up last summer, which Demi Moore finds "devastating," since it's not just some 21-year-old from a club. Lorena, however, has tweeted that she is single.
Grade: C (a cheeseburger and a beer)

This Week In Tabloids: Beyoncé To Give Birth Wearing Special Weave Made For The Delivery RoomStar
"Brad's Baby With Another Woman!"
Somehow the editors at Star twisted that story about the time in 2005 now-deceased talent agent Sue Mengers advised Jennifer Aniston to get some of Brad's sperm after they broke up in to this weird cover story. Apparently Brad and Jen had attempted to have a child but miscarried, and Brad never told Angelina this until just now, and she "felt betrayed." She had assumed all along that she was the only woman Brad had ever impregnated. Now Angie is questioning everything, including whether she can ever trust Brad again." Um, okay. Sure. Moving on. Terese Giudice's husband Joe shopped for a mink coat and hat the same day he was indicted. Russell Brand and Katy Perry "never thought about the crushing reality of their demanding careers and the effect it would have on the marriage." Also, "They just didn't like each other that much anymore." Kim Kardashian tried to steal Kanye West from Amber Rose, and Amber calls KK a "homewrecker." Amber says, "They were both cheating on me and Reggie with each other," and claims that KK texted so many racy pix to Kanye, Amber asked her to stop. (She didn't.) But like a honey badger, Amber don't care: "I want to thank her, because if she was never a homewrecker then I would have never met Wiz [Khalifa]," she gushes. "Wiz is like, my soulmate." Mazel. And now let's gaze upon a picture of Amber awkwardly posing with a phallic microphone! Remember kids, someday, you too, might see yourself in the pages of a magazine emblazoned with the words, "I was never a prostitute." (See Fig. 5)